Autistic Social Skills: Understanding Organic Autistic Experiences of Connection and Friendship

Written by Melanie Heyworth

We know from a variety of research that Autistic individuals seek social connection, and often connect well with other Autistic people.

If Autistic people so regularly develop rapport with other Autistic people, this suggests that Autistic people have Autistic social skills. But what are such Autistic social skills, and what does organic Autistic connection and socialising actually look like? The following blog outlines some examples of how Autistic people demonstrate our own ‘brand’ of social skills. The examples aren’t exhaustive, but I hope they serve to show that whilst Autistic social skills don’t always accord with non-autistic social skills, they are social skills! ​

One of the most noted aspects of Autistic social skills stems from an Autistic person’s knowledge and expertise in their area of passion.

Many Autistic people are by nature very generous, and sharing our passions with another person is one example of how an Autistic person might seek to connect with another individual. ​

So, one of our organic social skills is infodumping, or the intense sharing of information on a topic or interest about which we are deeply passionate. But one of the things about infodumping is that we can be excellent listeners when someone else infodumps on us, when our interests align.

For many Autistic children, this is a skill they are still learning – an equitable infodump session requires input on a topic from both parties – but generally if another person’s infodump is on a topic about which we’re passionate, there is an organic connection that allows that equitable sharing of information to emerge authentically and naturally.​

And it’s important to remember that, just as non-autistic children take time to learn and employ non-autistic social skills, so, too, Autistic children take time to learn and employ Autistic social skills.

Just as we wouldn’t expect non-autistic children to socialise with the finesse or skill of a non-autistic adult, we must give our Autistic children latitude to develop their Autistic social skills over time.

Another organic Autistic social skill is our honesty and loyalty. Many Autistic people – children and adults alike – say what they mean, without dissembling or misleading.

Whilst this social skill can take some getting used to if you are someone who is used to using words to couch realities in niceties, it is a social skill. Because you know exactly where you stand.

It is the receiver who has to learn that Autistic honesty is rarely delivered with any form of attack, shame, blame, upset, manipulation, ridicule, disdain, lies … those generally aren’t Autistic social skills.

In fact, in social pragmatics the concept of “clean communication” is really just a reflection of organic Autistic communication: our honesty rarely includes a ‘negative charge’, although it may be interpreted as such by the uninitiated.

And it’s worth noting that with that honesty comes great trust and loyalty. Autistics are rarely fickle friends because our honesty doesn’t allow for that emotional charge.​

Another Autistic social skills is simply not to recognise the elements of difference or diversity that might make it difficult for non-autistic people to connect with others.

In general, we don’t judge, and we accept people as they are, not as we want them to be. That’s how we’re wired.

We’re also wired for equity – for not seeing, or perhaps not following, the inherent power imbalances they are often present in social situations. Because we accept so openly, we’re unlikely to care that you’re an adult and so, as a child, I (for some inexplicable reason) can’t be your friend. Or vice versa.

We often collapse power differentials, which we don’t see in the way non-autistic people are socialised to see them, and we don’t follow your expected power rules. We’re all equal here.​

Then, as Autistic neuroscience and trauma researcher Janae Smith puts it, an Autistic social skill is the sharing of ‘SAME Stories’ – in which we share a time when we’ve felt or experienced something similar to what you’re describing in our own life now. So, for me, you might say ‘I went on holidays to the Gold Coast and it rained the entire time’, to which I might reply ‘I went on holiday to Tasmania and it rained every day but one’. Now, this is NOT a competition or an Autistic bid for attention, but it’s our way of acknowledging how deeply we’re listening and empathising with you, because we’ve had a very similar, lived experience that we can share with you – we can share in your frustration, or your pain, or your celebration by revisiting how that felt for us in a similar moment.​

Similarly, many Autistic people have the excellent social skill of appreciating the ways that friendships develop through shared, companionable silence and comfortable, quiet presence.

Throughout life we utilise the social skill of “parallel play”, of being together but not needing to be doing together. Often, parallel play is seen as a stepping stone to cooperative play, but it is a skill that we appreciate deeply for its connectedness and interdependence with others, even as we can pursue our own activities.

This is a beautiful skill: to want to be with another, but to be able to acknowledge that our companionship is based on presence, not on activity.

The point is: whilst some may not see these examples as social skills because they are not what they expect or are used to as a non-autistic (as someone socialised into non-autistic social expectations) – Autists do have social skills. What you’re observing is a cultural mismatch, not a lack of social skills.​