Written by Alex Hammond
My favourite people in the world are Autistic: my husband and our two boys. They have taught me so much about relating to others. So here are some of my favourite traits about them. While every Autistic person is different, these are traits shared by many in the Autistic community.
I can count the times my eldest has lied to me on one hand. Granted, lying involves complex theory of mind and rapid assessment of context – things some Autistic people struggle with – but the Autistic people in my life seem less motivated to lie. They are remarkably honest, truthful and trustworthy.
And they’re direct. Unlike most people, their statements don’t rely on context, implication, or body language.
Directness might be mistaken for rudeness, but it’s reliable, efficient and clear. That’s why many people prefer Plain English, and active, direct language.
Perhaps because they know the difficulty of being an outsider themselves, Autistic people are often less swayed by social norms, prejudice and status.
My husband actually values people equally. He’s unconcerned with social background or conventional ideas of success, and appreciates people without social bias.
He is genuinely curious and interested in people unlike him. He’s primary caregiver to our kids and is the least misogynistic man you’ll meet. Our kids, too, are unfazed by social pressure and gender stereotypes. They play fairytales and dinosaurs, arrange flowers and vehicles, and know Disney princess songs by heart.
More than direct, Autistic folk can be extremely precise.
While I am sometimes loose with words, or prone to exaggeration, my son is painstakingly accurate. He likes to clarify and specify. He says ‘toddler’ rather than ‘child’, ‘orca’ not ‘whale’. He loves measurements, lists and qualifiers. And he loves an asterix!
This precision is reliable and information-rich. It’s particularly suited to the sciences and emergency services.
Often Autistic folk have fewer social connections than non-autistic individuals. But, when not forced to mask, they have deep authenticity in relationships. Often, they’ll use less small talk and social niceties. They don’t fake or force interaction.
My family tend to be comfortable to communicate frankly, query misunderstanding, play or work in parallel or in easy silence. Because they may have strong interests in an area, their friendships are often built on mutual hobbies, rather than social group, age or proximity.
People have diverse needs around personal space, social touch or eye contact.
My husband tends to avoid eye contact when a situation or conversation is complex or emotionally loaded. He dislikes unexpected touch.
One of our children may look blank or intensely focused when pleased. He might not smile. The other likes to interact with his face extremely close to others. When he’s happy, he sways. He pulls strange faces because he enjoys the way it feels.
Not everyone speaks the same body language.
Autistic people can often have different communication needs and preferences. Some prefer visuals or writing, some use AAC devices, sign or vocalisations.
Our family uses Key Word Sign and visuals. These are helpful when our kids are overstimulated and have difficulty processing words, or when they can’t speak. Plus, it’s a handy, silent language to use in company.
Because my husband prefers signposted discussions and I love a list, we have a (giant!) whiteboard in our lounge room. We use this to support discussions from landscaping plans, appointment logistics and – no joke – issues in a disagreement.
And many Autistic supports benefit non-autistic individuals too. Most kids like pictures and signs to support reading, and many adults like instructions verbally and in writing.
By learning to communicate in a different way, non-autistic individuals learn valuable new skills. When people accommodate and support diverse communication styles, it builds understanding and connection.
It also grows our capacity for inclusion.
We need to take time to understand the social needs and strengths of the Autistic people in our lives. They have unique – and equally valuable – skills to share.
Alex Hammond is a law and policy professional, sometimes-blogger. She lives with her family in Sydney on Bidjigal land and writes at nottoomanymuch.com
The Reframing Autism team would like to acknowledge the Traditional Owners of the lands on which we have the privilege to learn, work, and grow. Whilst we gather on many different parts of this Country, the RA team walk on the land of the Amangu, Awabakal, Bindjareb, Birpai, Whadjak, Wiradjuri and Yugambeh peoples.
We are committed to honouring the rich culture of the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples of this Country, and the diversity and learning opportunities with which they provide us. We extend our gratitude and respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, and to all Elders past and present, for their wisdom, their resilience, and for helping this Country to heal.
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